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drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.

(Source: pandaaamonium14)

Because when I was 13 years old, I was sent home for my tank top straps being a little too thin, but a boy could wear a Cool Story babe, Go Make Me A Sandwich shirt and not be looked at twice.

Because when I was 17 and I told a guy “No” and the next day the word tease was painted on my locker.

Because when I was 18 and just wanted to be friends, I was a bitch.

Because I feel the need to say “I have a boyfriend” instead of “No” because guys respect other men more than they would ever respect me.

Because society screams “don’t get raped” instead of “don’t rape”

Because I am scared to walk alone at 10 PM

Because being beautiful is the most important thing I’ll ever do.

Because when I wear my favorite skirt “I’m asking for it”

Because the song Blurred Lines exists

Because no means no no matter how you fucking spin it

Because a girl was drugged and raped with a beer bottle, and the boys who did it are out on bail.

Because I owe you nothing

Because pepper spray is a gift I receive yearly.

Because I am asked if I have a boyfriend more than I am asked about my mental health

Because my clothes say more about my consent then my mouth does.

Because the wage gap exists

Because “not all men are like that” is said way too often

ENOUGH ARE

Because I feel the need to say “I’m not a feminist but…”

Because I’m writing this fucking piece

When you ask why I’m angry? (via brennanat)

mizzjade:

troublelovesmetroubleneedsme:

notsolodolo:

"And since we all came from a woman

Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman

I wonder why we take from our women

Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?

I think it’s time to kill for our women

Time to heal our women, be real to our women

And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies

That will hate the ladies, that make the babies

And since a man can’t make one

He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one

So will the real men get up

I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up”

- Tupac Shakur 

Always reblog this.

^

Because when I was 13 years old, I was sent home for my tank top straps being a little too thin, but a boy could wear a Cool Story babe, Go Make Me A Sandwich shirt and not be looked at twice.

Because when I was 17 and I told a guy “No” and the next day the word tease was painted on my locker.

Because when I was 18 and just wanted to be friends, I was a bitch.

Because I feel the need to say “I have a boyfriend” instead of “No” because guys respect other men more than they would ever respect me.

Because society screams “don’t get raped” instead of “don’t rape”

Because I am scared to walk alone at 10 PM

Because being beautiful is the most important thing I’ll ever do.

Because when I wear my favorite skirt “I’m asking for it”

Because the song Blurred Lines exists

Because no means no no matter how you fucking spin it

Because a girl was drugged and raped with a beer bottle, and the boys who did it are out on bail.

Because I owe you nothing

Because pepper spray is a gift I receive yearly.

Because I am asked if I have a boyfriend more than I am asked about my mental health

Because my clothes say more about my consent then my mouth does.

Because the wage gap exists

Because “not all men are like that” is said way too often

ENOUGH ARE

Because I feel the need to say “I’m not a feminist but…”

Because I’m writing this fucking piece

When you ask why I’m angry? (via brennanat)

This is the best thing I have ever seen in my entire existence

AMENN

(via embarassment)

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